It was the day of our fifth year anniversary, a Thursday evening in October when I took the second pregnancy test. I couldn’t wait any longer and my husband Lance had told me I could go ahead and take the test in hopes we would get a little anniversary surprise. A super excited and hopeful three minutes later…”PREGNANT” read clearly across the little digital screen. I walked out to Lance who was in the other room to tell him the news and we both began to get ridiculously excited! We told our parents and a few others, not thinking anything would happen to the baby after such a difficult month of hardship that had previously shaken our family a great deal.
That Friday night I knew something wasn’t right when the cramping was crazy strong. I called my OB and she did her best to calm me down and told me to take it really easy. A few house later the beautiful feeling of a little soul inside of me had disappeared and I knew my baby was gone, I couldn’t feel life there anymore…just nothing, a terrible hole of despair took up residence inside me. I didn’t move from the couch and cried harder and deeper than I can remember. Why did I let myself get so excited? What did I do wrong? What do I do now? Why do I feel like I failed?
My parents came over to support and comfort us and I remained on the couch, weary from crying and questioning, expressionless and unable to grasp anything resembling hope. My mom just started praying and we all looked to our God for help knowing there was no where else to turn. As I felt a soft peace fill the room in a clear voice I heard one of the most wonderful statements Im sure I will ever hear, “I’ve got her, she’s safe”. SHE?! Being only five weeks along there was no way we would have been able to know the baby’s gender and for the longest time I had felt like it was a boy (so much for my motherly instinct). I told my mom and Lance and they both just started crying a relieved, thankful cry. My baby GIRL is safe in the arms of my heavenly father and I know she is well taken care of!
Lance and I continued to process our loss but with a renewed hope and thankfulness that our baby girl is in the same place where we get to go when we leave this earth. Lance decided we should name our girl so she could brag to the other kids in heaven that she had an earthly name in addition to her heavenly one. Grace Eternity Foulis was a name we had talked about in the past and nothing seemed more fitting for our girl of grace who got to skip straight to eternity.
Lance and I still talk to Grace and get jealous of all the things she’s learned already and all the amazing people she has met. Imagining our grandparents, who have passed on, telling her stories about our families and Grace making everyone laugh being a daughter of Lance. All of these things have helped us cope with not being able to hold our baby, tell her we love her and hear it back here on earth, and enjoy watching her grow up. But we know and now have a deeper faith in God’s protection of his children.
Sometimes I wonder what age Grace will be in heaven and if I’ll ever get to hold her as a child. I wonder what kind of life she would have had if she had been born into this world that is incredibly corrupt and dangerous but still amazing when you least expect. I guess I’ll just have to catch up on all these answers when I get to heaven.
Grace Eternity Foulis -
September 23rd, 2011 - October 21st, 2011/ Already living eternally!
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